Baker Academic

Friday, December 6, 2013

Need a Gift Idea for that NT Scholar in Your Life?

Here at the Jesus Blog, we’re all about holiday merchandise.  Along with Sarah Palin [see min. 4:57-5:07], we believe that commercialization spreads the true reason for the season.  So here are a few gift ideas we’re working on for you this year:

Covenantal Nomism Slanket.  Kill the chill of first-century caricatures this Winter with a Covenantal Nomism Slanket!  Your friends and family will know that you have a new perspective on Paul when they see you ensconced in a collage of cover art from the books of E.P. Sanders and James Dunn.  A perfect holiday gift! [Some ongoing maintenance required.]

Apocalyptic Prophet Tea Sets.  Nothing says “the end of the world is upon you” like a nice cuppa served in this porcelain cup and saucer set.  Perfect for any occasion, but especially appropriate for bunker parties!

Gospel of Jesus’ Wife Coffee Table Coasters.  Protect your furniture and wow your friends with the hottest new designs in Copticware.  This two-sided replica of the famous “Gospel of Jesus’ Wife” comes in three colors: Egyptian copper; Nag Hammadi brown; or anonymous-collector beige.  [Ink-test replica shot glasses sold separately.]

Chris Keith’s Goatee.  Need a unique gift for that special someone?  Rekindle the flame with an authentic, game-used goatee from Chris Keith Inc. Supply limited.

“Historical Jesus Quest” for Nintendo 3DS.  Quest with Albert Schweitzer and Martin Kähler in this explosive new game from Nintendo.  Battle Nazi theologians to overcome “divine man” parallels and Renan’s phrenology. [Rated MATURE for ethnocentrism and historical positivism.]

St. Francis of Assisi Money Clip. You will always have the poor among you, but few people have this platinum-plated, sterling silver money clip with an engraving of the prayer of St. Francis. Be the first person in your pew to flash this beauty when the offering plate is passed!

Any other ideas that we should consider for production?

-anthony

13 comments:

  1. From the warehouse: "The 2012 version of Chris Keith's Goatee is now sold out and on backorder. Our understanding is that it has been replaced with a feeble attempt at a beard, which reflects primarily laziness and disdain when it comes to shaving."

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    1. The criteria of laziness and disdain are just two tools used to authenticate this popular product.

      -anthony

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  2. I purchased that Keith goatee and like a chia pet is has become a mangled, tangled, nasty beard-ish thing. Can I get an exchange if I keep my receipt?

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    1. You must have fed it after midnight, which the man in the shop clearly warned you against.

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  3. as we say here in the South, you ain't right! (right chris?)

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  4. Keith's goatee is fine and all, but I was really hoping to get Le Donne's beard. I think it might actually be the fashionable face-warmer of this holiday season!

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    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAb8qoXraGw

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  5. Facial hair is good. But what I was hoping for this year is a DVD box set of the best of TV Bible Documentary Closeouts Featuring Prominent Scholars. Such titles as "The Bible Revealed", "The Bible Unearthed", "The Bible Unchained", "The Bible Part II (This Time, It's Personal)", "Mysteries of The Bible", "Secrets of The Bible", "Bible Books That Require Security Clearance", "The Wife of Jesus", "The Mistress of Jesus", "The Golf Buddy of Jesus" and "Jesus Hangs with the Kardashians". See Mark Goodacre look impassive! See Bart Ehrman explain that nothing he says is really controversial! See Jodi Magness wander through a desert (could be Judea, could be Eastern Washington) pointing at things! See James Tabor looking for antiquities in antique shops! See Lawrence Schiffman looking really, really Jewish! Special bonus coverage of Elaine Pagels competing for the title of World's Palest Scholar (it's a tossup between Pagels and Doris Kearns Goodwin). Price is $4.95. Operators are standing by.

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    1. "The Bible Part II (This Time, It's Personal)" - actually, I think that this was the original title of the New Testament.

      -anthony

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    2. Then the Apocrypha becomes the biblical bloopers and outtakes. Suddenly everything makes sense.

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    3. I laughed out loud at this, Larry.

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  6. Okay, I have to admit, I was kinda heartbroken to realize that "Historical Jesus Quest" isn't a real game.

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